2017 is not really a good year for me. I think it applies to most of us, isn’t it? I lost the one I love twice this year. At first, it’s my family member. When it just the time for the scar to heal, there’s another wound bleeding. Badly… Until this time when I wrote this post, I still crying.
p/s: Please guys, this is just a post to express how I feel. If you didn’t like it and don’t want to read it. It’s okay. When it’s the time, I will make a better post content. I promise.
Until now, I’m still thinking whether I should publish this post or not. It’s a heavy subject and I never posted something so personal on this blog before. I guess I will publish it anyway.
18th December 2017. I will remember this date. That tragic incident happened. I just got the news when I woke up on 19th December early morning because I rarely off my internet data when I go to sleep. So, when I first check my phone. The recommended video from Youtube is about Jonghyun’s death. As for you… how will you react to that? I never saw that coming. Seriously I’m shocked. Until now I’m shocked.
For the past 3 days, I am crying until I sleep. Then I woke up and hope all of this is just a nightmare but you know… life doesn’t work that way. Our heart doesn't work that way. I can't just laugh and smile like I used to, even though it’s bitter we all had to accept it.
I lost my appetite. I don’t do my work that normally I do. I always in my bed with my blanket on, listening to his music (especially Elevator, Lonely and Gloomy Clock). I don’t talk to anyone about this. Just because suicide is a sensitive topic in my surrounding. People will say “Ala, retis Kpop je pun. Tu pun nak nangis, buat apa.”
People don’t understand. Actually, it’s not just about Kpop at all. It’s about the one that I grow up with. I am a ShaWol for a long time. I am there (though not really there. Thanks to youtube of course) with them laughing and crying together. I always watched their show or anything related to them. Why? Because Shinee is the very first Kpop group that I know. They bring me happiness in my lonely world. They put a smile on my face. Seriously. The time passed by and they gets a special place in my heart. Can you imagine when he suddenly gone? There's a hole then. It takes a long time to fill up the hole in my heart again and it will never be the same as before.
So, up until now, I never tell people how sad I am. The reason is easy, just because they don’t understand the main reason why I love Kpop. Just because of that. People will make fun of me. You know, in this situation like this even the smallest critiques can get someone down and I wouldn't risk myself to that.
Today is 21st December. Means it’s the day of Jonghyun’s funeral. So, I think I should stop being on the bed with tears as my friend. I should live my life better. Fighting with this sadness and smile. I‘m started to listening to motivational videos a lot. It helps me a little to overcome the sadness. There’s one phrase in the video that I love the most.
“You think people don’t know how you feel and you were right. They don’t but you are.”
I know the best what I feel right now and I will fight for better life. I know I will be stronger than this. All I need is a support. So, if anyone feels the same like I am, please don’t do any harm to yourself (I need to remind myself too about this.) If you need someone to talk to, please call Befrienders at 603-79568145 or maybe you just need a friend to share your problem, don’t hesitate to email me at kina.minji@gmail.com. That’s the least I can do.
Thank you.
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